Perfectionism has impeded me for years. In music, writing, drawing, painting, and various other activities. I always dread making mistakes, which causes anxiety which leads to stress, causing me to be extremely critical of my own work, and also made me compare my work to that of “professionals” and other skilled people, leading to discouragement, low self esteem, and depression.
(Along the right side, I added my box.net music folder. Some of the stuff absolutely horrible, but I don’t care, any more. However, I would happily recommend Turtle – by me!)
In an effort to abstain from perfectionism, I gave up several activities of which I was passionate about, and focused on something which I did not have perfectionist tendencies: my book. I am determined to finish my book project before turning back to music, art, or language, but what what happens when I’m done with my book?
‘Zombie apocalypse!?’
While the odds of me finishing my book are slightly lower than the chance of a zombie apocalypse, I still say, ‘No.’
*frowny face*
Perfectionism plagued my whole life because I never wanted anything I did to be just “good enough”, I wanted it to be exactly how I imagined. This included school papers and projects, writing simple notes and e-mails, editing a simple paragraph repeatedly, recording or scoring a composition, fussing over every detail of a scene, portrait, or whatever. In all these instances, everything was “good enough”, but I wasn’t satisfied. Even though the necessary part of the work was done, I insisted on going back and working on the unnecessary things no one but I cared about.
‘That sounds… really boring… or tedious… and… frustrating…’
And it was! The issue I have, especially with music and art, is the quality never seemed good enough. In the time I spent trying to improve the quality by fussing over all the little details, I could have moved forward to numerous other projects that would have greatly improved my knowledge and ability, but nay.
In renouncing my perfectionism, I find myself wondering how I will deal with my passions which have been so closely imbued with perfectionism. My passion of music was rooted in perfectionism. The first song I ever learned was Blackbird, by the Beatles, on guitar. I spent at least a month mastering that song, memorizing every note, until I was able to play along with the recording.
‘You crazy!’
Indeed. Was I able to learn the song? Yes. Do I feel it was worth it? Yes. Would I take the path of perfectionism, again? Nope.
One of the reasons I took on such a task is that I enjoyed the challenge. And, I continued along that trend with music, making each new thing I learned a challenge. As a result, in the time I spent dealing with perfectionism on one song that I found challenging, I could have probably learned a dozen other songs that would have added at least an equal amount of knowledge and ability, if not more.
‘That’s… err… Why did you do it that way?’
At that time, it was my dream to play the guitar in that style. After learning Blackbird, I learned a Bouree by J.S. Bach, the same one Leo Kottke plays, and then I pursued other challenges in classical guitar. I succeeded at these goals and challenges, but I could have accomplished so much more if I wasn’t so bent on perfectionism. In reflecting on this path of perfectionism, I find the result is while I am an accomplished guitarist (in some respects), I have a pitiful repertoire, and little performance experience.
The reason I feel my path of perfectionism was worth it is because it shaped me as a composer/songwriter and musician, giving me a unique playing style. But, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, it came with a price. And, I don’t want to pay that price with my future endeavors.
‘This is becoming sort of contradictory…’
I’m not saying a person shouldn’t pursue a challenge. I’m saying to not get snagged on the details, or getting it down “right” the first time, or first hundred times for that matter. Yes, practice does help, but it’s best paced out over time. When learning a new song or composition, I would play it over and over until I played it perfectly (at least to me), at least once. Putting in that quantity of work for that one piece in one day is much less beneficial than spacing out that quantity over a longer period of time. Chances are, I could have learned to play Blackbird just was well as I can today had I practiced it regularly along with various other songs instead of practicing only that one song intensely. Sometimes challenges are fun, but sometimes they can be discouraging and burn you out (as has happened to me numerous times).
Many of the articles I’ve read on dealing with perfectionism say things similar to, “Tell yourself you did your best,” or “It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be ‘good enough’”. These are the very things I will struggle with. Often times I know I could do better, or that it was not my ‘best’, but being aware of perfectionism, it’s not going to be worth spending extra time going back to do better, or to do my ‘best’; it will be best to simply move on.
‘Isn’t that what they call getting “pawned?”‘
That’s not what I mean. The point is, instead of using all that time trying to make something perfect by getting hung up on a few more than likely irrelevant details, I could move on to new things that would develop my skill further.
So, what will happen when I pick up my guitar, again? Or a pencil, paintbrush, or language book? Remind myself it takes time to develop a skill, and, as I’ve told many people: Everything is hard until you learn it.
Now I just need to find a way to take my perfectionism out of editing…
